In a blatant show of favouritism, today's horoscope is calibrated specifically for those in the Southern hemisphere...
Aries
You will notice a mysterious increase in the number of hayfever ads.
Taurus
In the course of spring cleaning you will find something that you lost long ago. Pray that it isn't a sandwich.
Gemini
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me thrice, you should go into politics.
Cancer
You will be unable to recall where you put something down despite having it 'just a moment ago'.
Leo
You will have trouble remembering precisely when daylight savings begins.
Virgo
If you're feeling cross, imagine you're in a summer meadow full of daisies. If this doesn't help, imagine stamping on the daisies.
Libra
Change is inevitable, sometimes welcome, but too much of it stretches your wallet.
Scorpio
Other people's standards aren't always set in reality, neither are yours. Cut yourself some slack.
Sagittarius
No matter how great our differences, we are all united by our frustrations with public transport.
Capricorn
It is foreseen that summer TV programming will include Reality TV! With bikinis, breast implants and an unnecessary amount of beach volleyball!
Aquarius
If you realign your furniture for maximum happiness, be prepared to stub your toe in the night when you forget you moved the d*mn couch!
Pisces
There is a planet rising in your 'love' sector. But it's that new one and we're not quite sure what it does yet.
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